I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
