apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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