Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
