Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He passed out mid-signature
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
