She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
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If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
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I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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