I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
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Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
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I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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