We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
how drunk are you?
Several
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
PANTIES FOUND
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
