Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
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