There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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