guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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