Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize