I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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