Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
