cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
