fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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