the condom got lost in my hair
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
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Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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