I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
