sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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