listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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