I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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