There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
