if you like me you must not know who I am
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
