I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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