Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
