I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
