I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Farmville is her only friend.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
