I just saw a hot homeless man
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
