I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
