He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
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Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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