So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
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My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
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Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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