Got a toothbrush?
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
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