He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
