oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
