Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
