Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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