conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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