he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You have to summon your inner elephant
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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