The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
