with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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