Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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