i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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