I feel like abortions should bother me more
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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