Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
