I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
