Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
