My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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