If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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