I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
