I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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