if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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