Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
