I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
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duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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