So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
