I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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