At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Randomize
