Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
