Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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