So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize