my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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