Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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