He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
